--- aliases: - date - date-me - hinge - bumble date: '2025-08-09' description: just another fish in the sea. id: dating modified: 2026-06-06 00:10:07 GMT-04:00 slides: true tags: - evergreen - love - fruit - math - places title: dating me. created: '2025-08-09' published: '2025-08-09' pageLayout: default slug: dating permalink: https://aarnphm.xyz/dating.md generator: quartz: v4.6.0 hostedProvider: Cloudflare baseUrl: aarnphm.xyz full: https://aarnphm.xyz/llms-full.txt --- > \[!tip\] before you read this file! > > i’m no longer actively dating (i.e. i’m actively committed to someone), but I still want to keep this up given that it’s still, an _important document_ to me. If you are interested in me as a friend, then I have a [[friends|friends-equivalent]] docs. This document doesn’t represent the whole me, but it should give you a sense of the “non-tech” version of who I am and what I do in {{sidenotes[my downtime]: I’m not actively dating anymore, but this document is still an important part of my life, but you might be interested in [[friends|this docs]] instead.}}. I hate dating apps. I know it’s a numbers game, but I got lazy and tired of the repetition and algorithms, so I decided to make this instead—something I can share with someone I find attractive. I’m hoping to find a wonderful woman to be my partner [^partner], someone I can share a life with for many years to come ♥ [^partner]: And I meant, [wife](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wife). In terms of spousal responsibility, because i believe that marriage and polyamory are orthogonal axes. I argue that the definition of wife in the polycule is closely related to a nesting partner—a person that you cohabitate with (hierarchical is also implied here.)
Here’s 30 second about me. By all means explore the rest of the documents. According to [“what vegetable are you?”](https://sophie006liu.github.io/vegetal/), I’m an [[thoughts/images/onion.webp|onion.]] [^onion] I work on [[thoughts/LLMs|large language models]], and I like to cook: I make fresh pasta (tortellini, tagliatelle) every Sunday, velouté and beef stocks from time to time. I collect vinyl, climb V5s, and read math textbooks. [^onion]: This is somewhat hilarious given that I actually love [[thoughts/images/onionnnnnnnnnn.webp|onion]]! I’m a bit obsessive with my [[thoughts/craft|craft]], especially when thinking about [[thoughts/Machine learning|stochastic]] model. It is all I do these days, other than caring for my friends and people in my life (obv) I’m the 3am call who shows up. I’m poly, but open to monogamy. My [love language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages) is physical touch. I’m [“securely attached”](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory#Attachment_styles_in_adults:~:text=%5B116%5D-,Securely%20attached,-%5Bedit%5D). My Myers-Briggs is ENTJ-A, though it swings to INTJ-T a lot of times. You can also find the [[personality|personality report]] from Clearer Thinking’s [Ultimate Personality Test](https://www.clearerthinking.org/tools/the-ultimate-personality-test) I moved continents at a young age, and learnt very early on that _solitude makes presence precious_. I like the em-dash (—) (contrary to recent popular beliefs), and parentheticals and non-sequiturs. I listen to quite a bit of Rachmaninoff and garage/drill, and often find myself rabbit-holing on random topics. five years plan: No kids, for now. I value my relationship with my female friends. I’m based in Toronto, but US-bound eventually.
## about me. Here is my friends’ attestation of me:

Caring, inquisitive, loyal, thoughtful

N

[Aaron] is someone with very kind and warm energy. I always appreciate seeing you.

T

I think that Aaron is someone I trust to be there for me at the drop of a hat, no matter if it’s 3pm on a sunday or 3am on a weeknight. [Aaron] is very attentive and will do everything in his power to make you feel loved and cared for. He’s willing to go to great lengths to make people feel special and he has great taste and great musings that promise good conversations and a good time.

C

I’m a _honest_ person, and I’m not afraid to admit to mistakes. I’m sure I’ll make _even more mistakes_, but no one is ✨ _perfect_ ✨ and we only have one life to live 🙂 I try to live this life well. I’m pretty goofy around my friends and people I trust. That said, I find myself drawn to more spontaneous people, probably because I tend to be more reserved. _Well_: ![[thoughts/images/me-in-yosemite.webp|this is a campfire near Half Dome on the Yosemite Falls trail]] I’m someone you can rely on[^1] —when I make a commitment to you, I’ll be 100% present. [^1]: reliable in both logistics and emotional capacity, but I’m still human at the end of the day. I want to build an animal sanctuary one day, and a high believer in lab-grown meat [^lab-grown] [^lab-grown]: This will be one of the most important innovation in the 21st century. I would still like to raise cattle ethically, alongside with this. I would expect having 3-4 families to share a cow. In this case, it would be a lot cheaper for each family comparing to getting their stock at Costco. Most people know me online as `aarnphm` /urn-fm/, but you can call me _Aaron_ (or [a-a-ron](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRpsRKuyi3Y\&ab_channel=ComedyCentralUK)). --- ## professional life.
![[thoughts/images/me-at-htn.webp|This is also me at Hack The North]]
I’m currently an [[thoughts/Transformers#inference.|inference]] optimization [[/|engineer]] at [bentoml](https://bentoml.com/), which means I’m a software engineer working on optimizing [[thoughts/LLMs|LLMs]], based in Toronto, Canada. I take my [[thoughts/craft|work]] seriously. I interned at the business analytics division of a bank back in 2018, doing behavioral analysis on customer usage patterns. This was my first real exposure to [supervised learning](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supervised_learning) and I was immediately hooked. I pretty much didn’t know a thing back then, but that didn’t bother me much: I found the problem fascinating and knew I would _try_ to solve it, because I wanted to. I definitely still have a ton to learn, but over time you tend to pick up skills along the way. Early on, I noticed that most of [[thoughts/Machine learning|ML]]‘s [technical debt](https://proceedings.neurips.cc/paper_files/paper/2015/file/86df7dcfd896fcaf2674f757a2463eba-Paper.pdf) comes down to scaling, which inherently is an _engineering_ problem. This led me to join my current startup, as a software engineer. The mission statement has shifted quite a bit since then, but the core remains the same: optimizing [[thoughts/LLMs|statistical models]] to be as fast and accessible as possible. My approach to problems has stayed consistent since I learned arithmetic: ==don’t quit, managed obsession [^obsession], and get your hands dirty== [^work]. [^work]: I should say I’ve been very fortunate professionally, working at a startup meant tackling loosely-defined problems and developing my own research and engineering [[thoughts/taste]]. [^obsession]: Allocating 15-20 minutes a day to _one_ problem, without distraction. These days it’s often 30-60 minute stints for me. I have a squad of Claude and Claude Code (for general discoverability), Gemini (large context handling), GPT-5 and Codex (raw intelligence), Kimi K2 + GLM 4.6 (raw agentic tool calling) that I built as my own “researchers”/“curators”/“verifiers”. These tools has becoming a very good discovery tools for me. I might not be good at something initially, but i find being autistic enough to care about a specific domain (_scaling [[thoughts/AGI|intelligence]]_) has got me to a spot that make 5-year-old Aaron proud. I have some [[research|research interests]] I’m currently chasing — read them if you’re curious. I know it’s a bit long, so feel free to skip [[#personal life.|to the next topic]]. Otherwise hopefully it captures what I’m fascinated with as of Oct, 2025. --- ## personal life.
![[thoughts/images/before-sunset.webp|This could be us, "Before Sunset (2004)".]]
That said, I care deeply about the well-being of the people around me. My [headspace](https://notes.aarnphm.xyz) has been occupied with a lot lately, but I always try to stay present and make time for the people in my life. This might be connected to something else, though—I moved abroad at 17 to study at a private all-boys boarding school in Vancouver, and I think that left me a bit more anxious than I’d like to admit [^being-human]. My mom says I was always shy growing up. These days I’m much more social, though I suppose the right word is _ambivert_: I’m comfortable in social settings, but I also treasure my alone time. [^being-human]: Regardless, this was life-changing, as it taught me a lot about [[thoughts/being]] _human_. [[influence|Friends]] mean the world to me. I’d go so far as to say my whole model of relationships came out of my friendships:

One cannot be a friend to many people in the sense of having friendship of the perfect type with them, just as one cannot be in love with many people at once (for love is a sort of excess of feeling, and it is the nature of such only to be felt towards one person); and it is not easy for many people at the same time to please the same person very greatly, or perhaps even to be good in his eyes.

Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, VIII

I love my friends deeply—so much that I’d willingly take a bullet for any of them, at any moment. There are no ulterior motives here; everything I do comes from genuine intention. When I find something really cool and share it with someone, it’s because they’re the first person who comes to mind. Part of me wishes that one day I’ll be able to give each of them the time and energy they truly deserve. ![[thoughts/images/C8F817FA-8961-4287-8318-B45FCA5D7E67.webp|A scene in "Lost in Translation (2003)". I do sometimes, think about the time I wronged my friends. But it happened for a reason, and we learnt to grow from our mistakes.]] So, yes, I _care_. I care a lot about people, both in its abstract and physical form. I try my hardest to amplify those around me and give them space to grow and achieve what they want in _life_ (also another thing my dear mom taught me 🙂) --- ## what i like doing. I have the attention-span of a three-year-old, but an old soul (some said). So I like to explore and do a lot of things.
bouldering - I climb V3-V5 most days. I still have a lot to improve, technique and strength-wise. My goal is to comfortably climb {{sidenotes[V7-V8.]: Grading varies from gym-to-gym. I mostly climb at Joe’s Rock, which their grading systems somewhat follows [Olympic standard for grades](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sport_climbing_at_the_Summer_Olympics)}}
cooking - I [[thoughts/love|love]] food. Michelin-starred chefs spend decades on one cuisine—I find that obsession beautiful. - Cooking a dish start-to-finish is the closest thing I have to therapy. - It’s also how I show love to my friends. - I [[thoughts/atelier with friends|host]] dinners regularly, mostly centered around French and Italian cuisine. - These are usually four-course meals for 4-6 people, and at the end, you can pay me _whatever you think the meal is worth_. - I try to accommodate allergies and dietary restrictions, though the range of food I cook can make that challenging. - Every week I make fresh {{sidenotes[tortellini]: rotation of fillings includes ricotta-based, mushroom, and meat-based. I try to make this at least once a month, depending on how busy life gets.}}, {{sidenotes[Velouté]: Considered one of the “mother sauces” by legendary chef Auguste Escoffier. There are many sauces that use Velouté as bases icymi.}}, and tagliatelle [^shape]—this is my form of therapy. - I’m conscious about what I eat and try to substitute for organic ingredients when possible. - I do follow a carnivore diet myself, but I’m happy to cook anything. - I learned how to [[uses#cookware.|cook]] through books (Alice Waters and Thomas Keller’s), {{sidenotes[chef]: I’m looking for opportunity to stage in Toronto. If you know of a gig, please [let me know](mailto:contact@aarnphm.xyz). I’m also extensively applying for these positions, but will need to take my current work schedule into consideration as well.}} friends, and my mom.
[^shape]: The pasta I make varies in shape, but it’s always uovo pasta—egg-based pasta made with a mix of 00-flour and semolina flour. I usually go for 80-20, but you can go without semolina. Note that semolina is based on durum wheat, so for folks that got allergy, I tend to exclude semolina. I hit the farmers’ market every Sunday morning to get the freshest eggs possible. Ideally, the yolks should be super orange (I know this is hard to find in Ontario), but slightly yellow yolks work fine too. For trickier shapes like buccatini, I use the stand mixer to roll and cut the dough. Otherwise, I always roll by hand. Here’s a recipe I’ve found that works well for four servings: - $\frac{3}{2}$ cups of flour | 227 grams (mixed at ratio mentioned above) - 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil - 3 yolks + 1 whole eggs - distilled water (or any sort of water that has pH ⇐ 7) to smooth the dough. You can use a food processor to mix the dough (this is the most efficient way to do this, if you are short in time). However, I prefer the traditional way, which is making a well, and develop the gluten by hand.
[[mixed#vinyl|vinyl]]/[[cinematheque.base|movies]] - I collect vinyl and produced throwaway tunes in my free time. ![[posts/images/2023-flac-1.mp3|ID 1 (2023)]] - Music is a huge part of my life—I honestly wouldn’t be able to function without it. - I prefer classical orchestra, a mix of blues and jazz, 80s rock, and I have a deep appreciation for house and garage culture. - Rach 3, Rhapsody on Paganini - A bit of a cinemaphile - La Haine, The Defiant Ones, Dead Poets Society, Good Will Hunting are top-4 - I use YouTube Music, beyerdynamic DT 1990 Pro - This comes with [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/feed/subscriptions) Premium. [I](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0bSdV8DA4M\&ab_channel=EpsilonDelta) [watch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKS47dq5RtA\&ab_channel=essentialsalts) [a](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXwALAkPubc\&t=673s\&ab_channel=HarvardMathematicsDepartment) [decent](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2acsy7Zzfo\&ab_channel=HarvardMathematicsDepartment) [amount](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jQTb6sRGLg\&ab_channel=GPUMODE) [of](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=noC3G9oNxro\&ab_channel=JuliandeMedeiros) [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KniNW8Xe4Us\&t=3s\&ab_channel=SimonOz), [esp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68UcnUdt6xA\&t=4s\&ab_channel=Sisyphus55) [when](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc3tTRkjCvE) [I’m](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QyzGgq64MM\&ab_channel=CharStiles) [winding](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt_hDVN5TZE) [down](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30YWsGDr8mA\&list=PLcGKfGEEONaBNsY_bOj8IhbCPvj6OAdWo\&ab_channel=StrangeLoopConference).
design - I [[/|designed this site you're on]], for example - I hate building websites, but I can’t stand a badly designed one. - I enjoy [[thoughts/fashion|timeless pieces]] and have started developing a taste for [[thoughts/furnitures|furniture]]. - My main design philosophy inspiration includes Bauhaus and Kanso (簡素) - I follow Fashion Week quite extensively, especially NYFW and Milan Fashion Week - Collina Strada and Sandy Liang are a few favorites of mine lately. - I’m a bit of a horology nerd. Watches are generally good investment, and nice accessory, if you know your stuff. > \[!note\]- my collection so far > > ![[watch]]
[[thoughts/writing|writing]] - ![[thoughts/writing#^ava-writing]] - I mainly write for myself, and this garden is my simulacrum. - I use to save links on the go, but often transfer them back here later. - If you’re interested in [[colophon|how this website was built]] - I find essay and fiction formats very refreshing. - I’m heavily influenced by Michel Foucault, Albert Camus, Ludwig Wittgenstein, Franz Kafka, Raymond Carver, and a few more researchers (that I can proudly call them my friends) - I also maintain a [[books|antilibrary]] of literature that I’ve enjoyed. - I read [[/arena/papers|papers]] and textbooks for fun sometimes. - Yes, I know, it is a thing.
photography - I used to own a FX3 for film-related projects, but sold it two years ago to buy cookware 😅 - A7III w/ a bunch of [[thoughts/lenses|lenses]] and {{sidenotes[rigs]: One day I would clean-up and polish my photography portfolio.}}
--- ## compatibility.

I would say that free will is nothing but our conscious experience of deciding what to do, which I know I am experiencing as I write this review, and this experience is not invalidated by the reflection that physical laws made it inevitable that I would want to make these decisions.

Steven Weinberg

possible deal-breakers 1. Historically speaking, my past relationships have been {{sidenotes[^polyamorous]}}. I found that my work schedule fits well with that style of romantic attachment, and I’m definitely not the jealous type. Though my previous partner and I ended on a sour note, I’m more than happy with the growth. 2. I don’t want kids, _yet_, at least for the next five years. - We are young still, many things yet to be explored. - I want to be focused on my work and dedication to my [[thoughts/craft|craft]]. - I will pursue academia at some points, or at least working on my independent [[research]]. - That said, I’d make it work for the _right_ person. 3. I care deeply about my friends, and I believe that as partners, we don’t have to do everything {{sidenotes[together.]: I definitely want to spend the majority of my time with you, but I’ll need “boys” time.}} 4. Most of my friends are female. I have very clear boundaries with friends, but I want all my female friendships—especially with N, C, Si—to remain strong. 5. There are a few special people in my {{sidenotes[life,]: I won’t disclosed here to respect their privacy}} that I would also like to maintain strong connections {{sidenotes[with.]: Meaning, I would make plans to fly over and see them from time to time.}} 6. I’m currently reside in Toronto, Canada. I’m open to long-distance (but prefer not to) if there’s a good chance we’d end up in the same city, assuming everything goes well! San Francisco, Berkeley, New York, and Boston are all possibilities. - I do plan to move back to the US in the future, in the next 5-7 years.
{{sidenotes[polyamorous]}}: I believe partners should provide certain functions to each others, and being in relationships shouldn’t be a constraint that prevent you from exploring something different and _new_. With that being said, I’m open to monogamy. But this means I must be very much _in love_ with you as a whole.
what i’m offering in a relationship 1. I’m cautiously optimistic, sometimes a bit self-deprecating. 2. My attachment style has always been [“securely attached”](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory#Attachment_styles_in_adults:~:text=%5B116%5D-,Securely%20attached,-%5Bedit%5D), though I found that my previous partner was [“anxious-preoccupied”](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory#Attachment_styles_in_adults:~:text=%5B118%5D-,Anxious%2Dpreoccupied,-%5Bedit%5D), which is a bit easier to give them “word of affirmation”. I’m a caregiver at heart, so I definitely want to look after you. 3. I will cook for you. You don’t have to come into the kitchen, but you’re more than welcome to join. 4. My [love languages](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages) are physical touch, and quality time. I think of a life _partner_ as someone you’re mutually supportive of and committed to—someone you’re building something together with. 5. I will get you flowers. 6. I will write letters to you.
what i’m looking for in a partner By all means, this is _not all checkbox that I’m looking for_, but good signals for a good relationship: 1. driven, high empathy, emotional maturity 2. witty / sharp 3. we can meanders about nothing for hours 4. confidence or being in stem is _sooooooo attractive to me_ 5. non-avoidance attachment style 6. spontaneous and adventurous soul 7. have her own opinions on most things 8. si vous parlez français, fantastique je t’aime 9. open-minded, with a bit of je ne sais quoi, fabuleuse
if this sounds like _you_ I’d love to: 1. take you out on a picnic date where we can rent a vhs and eat strawberry, or 2. checking out around Toronto, or 3. we can go bouldering, grab food, then spend the night watching “paris, texas”, or 4. go for a walk in hyde park, and enjoy the nature. 5. we can [trade blogpost](https://kami.bearblog.dev/lets-trade-blogposts/) 6. Something else
Aight, enough of me. [Contact me](https://f.aarnphm.xyz) if you want to learn more 😅
\[^sign\]