--- aliases: - friends - not dating date: '2026-01-17' description: my name is Aaron, and on the virtue of friendship id: friends layout: technical modified: 2026-11-03 11:12:44 GMT-05:00 tags: - evergreen - friend - fruit title: making friends. created: '2026-01-17' published: '2026-01-17' pageLayout: technical slug: friends permalink: https://aarnphm.xyz/friends.md generator: quartz: v4.6.0 hostedProvider: Cloudflare baseUrl: aarnphm.xyz full: https://aarnphm.xyz/llms-full.txt --- bonjour. this document details information about me as a _friend_. There is [[dating|a date-me]] {{sidenotes[doc]: i wrote this one in january/february 2025; i’m not actively dating, but decide to leave this up as it was still, an _important document_ to me.}}, though I wanted to have a friend-equivalent document 🧊 🍧 . quick tl/dr: i used to live in sf for a bit for work, and moved abroad to vancouver since high school, studied and lived in hamilton, and now in toronto. anyhow, will be in toronto for a while, (i have gotten to know a lot more people in toronto now but wouldn’t mind [[thoughts/images/bcccdd2e-95e6-4023-9c93-9b72b9a0c26b_178356259078.avif|meeting more people]]. i’m well-positioned, enjoy my work and have [[triathlon|goals]] [[research|to achieve]]. I want to live a joyful life with [[thoughts/Roko's Basilisk|amicable]]-[[thoughts/AGI#superintelligence|superintelligence]] systems 🧗 (we only get one chance, might as well make the most out of it.)
```telescopic id="thoughts" marks="telexample" * I try to be * present. * present, but you will find * me * me working on [[thoughts/craft|open-source projects]], * me working on [[thoughts/craft|open-source projects]], * and spending too much time fixing this [site](https://aarnphm.xyz/view-source), * and committing to the bit. * I enjoy * I enjoy long walks, * nerd-snipping on the next [[/tags/math|math]] topics, * going to public libraries * watching people * yuzu-related dishes * anything [[thoughts/images/onionnnnnnnnnn.webp|onion-related]] or garlic or beets * collecting watches (horology) * folktronica * Miles Davis and the Quintet * Miles Davis and the Quintet, Foucault and [[thoughts/Wittgenstein]]'s, * _my 3 qt stainless clad [saucier](https://madeincookware.com/products/saucier/3-quart) that I use for_ * everything, * everything from searing * to making **broth** * and confit * making ~~Velouté~~, * or Espagnole, * testing out any recipes in mind, * italian cuisine * julienne * allumette, * this [playlist](https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsRPzRsbp3lCxe4gXH4S4Zf38X_45Oj6N&si=Od99WbOnJlbB9NYJ) * on repeats * on repeats, [[thoughts/atelier with friends|hosting]] functions. * and [[thoughts/Scents|scents]]. * Beige and rosé are my two favourite * colours. * colours. * Cooking * Cooking is * my [[/tags/love]] language * my [[/tags/love]] language, which I learn * from my mom. * from my mom. How one cooks their * eggs * eggs tells me a lot * about * about how they _treat others_ * about their cadence * about their intrinsic [[thoughts/Agency|drive]]. ``` ^telexample > \[!note\]- some non-confidential information about me > > _that you would not be able to grab from this website_ > > scheduling [[triathlon|hangouts]] nowadays look very much like we will be either on the beach (per me swimming in open water) or a movie date at home (per me spinning on the turbo) > > i enjoy [[thoughts/reading|reading]] [[antilibrary|books]] and listening to jazz. > > i prefer the [[thoughts/Scents|smell]] of lavender, and make tiny-neat-thingy (i.e _this website you are on atm_) > > i collect [[watch|watches]] as well! > > i also don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol anymore 😸

friends are still our first and sometimes best model of someone who chooses to be always on your side.

Ava, bookbear express

i like this framing from Ava. friendship exists way before we form romantic love and family obligation i.e. the relationship you choose without biological reasoning or a legal contract. it is someone that looks at you and decides that _yes, i will allocate a portion of my waking hours to be with this person_. yes, i will be there to pick you up from the airport. C.S. Lewis wrote that _lovers face each other absorbed in one another while friends stand side by side absorbed in something external_. you become friends by caring about the same problems. this is also why I found work-friends feel {{sidenotes[so intense]: you’re literally shoulder-to-shoulder looking at the same thing for 40+ hours a week}}.

friendship was what taught me that love is an endurance sport with no finish line.

Ava

Aristotle distinguished three kinds of philia: utility (we help each other), pleasure (we enjoy each other’s company), and virtue (we value each other’s good character and wish each other well). In [Nicomachean Ethics VIII.3](https://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.8.viii.html), the first two depend on the benefit or pleasure that sustains them. When that disappears, the friendship can dissolve. I agree with his emphasis on character as a foundation for friendship. Caring about who someone is gives us a reason to stay when circumstances change. [^1] [^1]: iirc Karlsson also wrote that “love is friendship on hard mode.”, which is true. [[thoughts/love|Romantic]] relationships aren’t a different category from friendship, but a superset of [[thoughts/friendship|friendship]]. they’re friendship plus difficulty, plus stakes, plus everything that makes it easier to fuck up.

friendships are, by their very nature, made of friction, knowing what's going on in someone's day-to-day life, making plans, rescheduling when someone gets sick, bringing over soup.

Rosie Spinks, the friendship problem

we’ve optimized away the very friction that makes us, _better friend_, and to an extend _better human_. everything about predictive technologies gives us assisted living, esther perel notes, “people have easily 1000 virtual friends, but no one they can ask to feed their cat.” sheila liming also wrote an entire book on this: “hanging out is productive, and the thing that it produces is our relationships with each other.”
Karlsson frames this better than I ever could, where we “show the inside of your head in public, so people can see if they would like to live in there.” I want my [[thoughts/Digital garden|site]] to be, a [[arena/essay/#entry-v1-8665414be95515ab536153a43c569052afcc6fd70974b4a006ca56963bcbc47d|search query]] for people who might want to be friends. i care a lot about my friends. i want people who can sit in a room without filling it with noise, who can be bored together without reaching for phones. i want people to go to a beach with and watch people enjoying a day-out with their family, while acting out their conversations among ourselves. i want people who choose to interpret someone charitably, staying inside the _magic circle_ and participate in the game of understanding. i want people who spontaneously decide that “ok we are going to book a trip to Dolomites and we are just going to pet cows”, while debating about the ever-lasting [[thoughts/Existentialism|existential]] dread of cognitive deficiency. i want people who are honest and blunt, but still be kind and be silly with. finally, i want people who can, and will always show up, repeatedly, over time, even if it is only 8 minutes while being busy at work. i often think about my life as being RLHF’d by the people i surround myself with, as we populate our concept of the world with them. i’m not there yet with everyone, but with the people closest to me, i’m trying.

a long friendship really is like a marriage. it takes on a shape all its own over many years, and it is an education in intimacy. like marriage, it's nearly impossible to know in the beginning what it will be at the end.

Ava, some thoughts on friendship

if any of this resonates, I have a [form](https://f.aarnphm.xyz) for you to fill LOL, but otherwise I’m reachable via `contact@aarnphm.xyz` \[^sign\]