---
cssclasses:
  - casesense
date: '2026-10-11'
description: on yearning.
id: yearn
modified: 2026-10-11 21:40:03 GMT-04:00
tags:
  - growth
  - fruit
title: in case i fall for you.
created: '2026-10-11'
published: '2026-10-11'
pageLayout: default
slug: posts/yearn
permalink: https://aarnphm.xyz/posts/yearn.md
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  hostedProvider: Cloudflare
  baseUrl: aarnphm.xyz
full: https://aarnphm.xyz/llms-full.txt
---
if you’re asleep, i hope you’re dreaming about the life you want to live.

if you’re awake, phone screen lighting your face in the dark, thumb hovering over my name, half-caught between wanting and waiting, i hope you’re kind to the way your mind spirals back.

---

yesterday i made coffee at 3:42am, the grinder too loud for that hour so i used the french press instead, counting mississippis while thinking about how you laugh. where it starts silent, moving shoulders with a slight jig, then this sudden breath like you’re surprised by your own joy, the half-second delay before actual sound. by the time the coffee was ready i’d catalogued four other instances. even when we’ve only met _twice_.

that night i drafted three texts. the first asked if you got home safe. i sent that one because that’s how i was raised. the second said i’d been thinking about our conversation. true, but too vulnerable. the third was just “hey.” maximum deniability. those last two sit in my notes app. last night, i thought of uber’ing across town just to give you a hug. not because you asked. not because you need it. because i wanted thirty seconds in your physical space.

i want you, and i want the wanting itself. wanting you reminds me that my life is still open. that who i am isn’t fixed. that the right person could cultivate a space where i’m comfortable in my own skin.

when you said that it took time for you to let people in, part of me panicked. if we figure it out (yes or no) this state ends. right now everything is possible. i can draft 2am texts and think about bringing you your flat white with almond milk and it all means i’m someone who still does this. someone who hasn’t optimized connection into a spreadsheet. when we talked last saturday my nervous system lit up like touching an electric fence. static from fingertips to sternum. i kept touching my chest on a walk later that night, checking if the charge was still there, extending how long i could hold that feeling.

most of my life is within steady-state. i plan my meals, track my HRV and glucose balance, revolve around the three training disciplines, answer my emails within twenty-four hours, maintain friendships through scheduled coffee dates. i’m in my twenties body but feel like i’m at my half point of a century mindset with a soul of a three year old toddler. but yearning doesn’t give a shit. it makes me irrational. i google the distance to your neighborhood at 2am. around 5 hours flight, just a few provinces away. i’ve memorized which coffee shops are between us. the stupidity makes me want to crawl inside and out. i’m still capable of wanting past the point where it makes sense.

L wrote once: “it’s a choice, because you look at the tapestry of feelings you’re feeling; you draw a boundary around them and say ‘these, i’ve decided they’re love’.” at 4:41am this tuesday, last week of october, i’ve drawn that boundary again. despite what my brain says (two meetings isn’t enough entry points, i’m constructing narrative faster than reality supports it), i’ve decided these feelings are love because i need them to be.

not because you need me to love you. you said you were raised to self-regulate, to fix problems rather than process feelings. i saw it in how you held the coffee mug filled with wine, both hands wrapped around the mug but never quite drinking, like comfort was something to hold but not consume. that my instinct to comfort you was confusing. i heard that. but i’m being kind to the loop. letting it run until it tires. whether you pace toward me or away, whether this becomes a story or a footnote, the wanting has already changed me. i’m sitting here at 4:41am, coffee cold now, typing this out because the feeling needs somewhere to go:

> _wanting to want is wanting twice over. and that’s enough for me._

\[^sign\]